Marital Disputes
WRITTEN BY DREW MATZ
James 4:1-10
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Explanation: Here, James opens up about the reality of quarrels - even among the body of Christ. Far from sugar-coating the state of affairs, James is quite honest about his explanation of the origins of the quarrels. The problem lies in the selfishness of the heart that is expressed through the tongue- even to the point where even their prayers are lined with selfish desires! The Greek word that James uses here is hedone, and denote a kind of base impulse or desire for things other than God.[i] It is the word from which we get the English word for hedonism. So while the spirit of the Lord is pulling us one way, our passions are pulling us in the opposite direction. So for James, this comfort with the way of the Roman world is not compatible with life in Christ. For nobody can serve two masters - one of them will win out (Matt 6:24). Therefore, we must humble ourselves before God, confessing our sins so that God might exalt us and change our hearts.
Connection: Nobody who gets married does so with the intention of constant quarrelling. Thus, many of us are surprised when we find ourselves in a marriage where the same quarrels and arguments tend to keep resurfacing. This is common, yet dangerous territory. If not recognized and addressed, these seemingly benign problems can snowball into cycles of chaos, driving a wedge between both parties where bitterness and resentment are allowed to fester. This is prime real-estate for the Devil to set up shop and begin his destruction of marriage.
Of all the books in the New Testament - James is very concerned with the practical challenges of life and communication. He explains to us that our problem is not so much that we just need to tweak the way we say things or choose a better vocabulary. For him, the answer is profoundly simple. He knows that our problem stems from our nature as sinners. Every action we take is potentially prompted by our selfish desires. We covet, thus we steal. Because we don't get what we want, we scheme and manipulate. We quarrel and cause an uproar. Therefore, we must always be willing to take a step back from our situation, to challenge our conscience and "submit ourselves to God" (v.7). When we approach communication within marriage with humility, God is able to soften our hearts and allow us to serve one another.
Action:
1. Talk it Out:
Even though husbands and wives live together, it might shock you to learn that the average married couple only spends about 4 minutes a day in meaningful conversation.[i] Therefore, make the most of your conversations. Ask one another about their day, or about how you can help them.
2. Tame the Tongue:
Just because we are taking to one another does not mean the communication is constructive. Sometimes we say things to our spouse that would be better left unsaid - even when we mean well. Proverbs 11:17 says "a man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself." Thus, it is beneficial to try to develop humility by practicing self-restraint. Avoid overt criticism or derogatory remarks which can trigger open emotions and lead to resentment.
3. Reprioritize:
Sometimes the stress of life can shut us off from the desire or ability to communicate without quarrelling. It is here where it can be good to exercise wisdom in reprioritizing your responsibilities. There may be pressures from outside commitments that may be better left to someone else if it can help us to focus more on our marriage.
[i] David P. Nystrom, James: the NIV Application Commentary, The NIV Application Commentary Series (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 1997), 339.
[i] Timothy E. Clinton and Mark R. Laaser, The Quick-reference Guide to Marriage and Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 165.