The Hardest Words
WRITTEN BY DREW MATZ
Learning the Art of the Apology
I couldn’t tell you the number of times I have come home from work feeling like a zombie. The mental stress of working in a cubicle all day sorting through numbers and decimals does not leave me anxious to have company, much less a deep conversation. No – my initial desire is to go home and be left alone- at least until I can clear my mind and decompress from the mental gymnastics I had engaged in all day.
My wife will often greet me at the door with the intention of starting a conversation. She will sometimes ask about my day, or ask me to help with this or that. Admittedly, I have a hard time with this as I get very susceptible to lashing out at my wife’s questions, even though she is just trying to make conversation. This will sometimes lead to a regrettable distance between us until one of us makes the move to apologize.
The Problem
For many of us, the phrase “I’m sorry” is something that makes us wince. In fact, I can think of several things I would much rather do than apologize. My prideful spirit doesn’t want to hear that I have messed up and I need to do something about it. Yet it is also one of the most necessary phrases in our relationship apart from “I love you.” And although apologizing has improved in our relationship, it is anything but natural. It takes real work and patience to develop it as both a virtue and a skill – more of an art than a science.
The Importance of Apologizing
Jesus often spoke of the importance of apologizing in the context of our relationships. In Matthew 5, he tells us about the importance of reconciliation:
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison.
Matthew 5:23-26
One aspect of Jesus’ teaching about apologizing and asking for forgiveness is that he always relates this teaching to our relationship with God. In this case, our relationship with our brother mirrors our relationship with God. If we aren’t willing to own up to our sins, God will hold us accountable in judgement. Thus, it is vitally important that we are willing to apologize to our brother, spouse, or neighbor when we sin against them so that we can repent and receive forgiveness. Furthermore, when we confess our sins, we are forgiven and are able to understand the importance of forgiving others.
What to Avoid
One of the difficulties in learning the art of the apology is avoiding the temptation of the half-apology. This is where we will offer a sort of excuse-laden token of remorse in order to soften the blow to our ego. “I’m sorry you took that the wrong way” or “Look, I didn’t mean to say that, but…” are common phrases I myself have used to try to justify the very action that I am supposedly apologizing for.
It is also important for your apology to be true. Consider Saul’s insincere apology to Samuel:
Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. Now therefore, please pardon my sin and return with me that I may bow before the Lord.”
But Samuel knew that Saul’s heart was elsewhere:
And Samuel said to Saul, “I will not return with you. For you have rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord has rejected you from being king over Israel.”
1 Samuel 15:24-26
Our sin has consequences. The people we have wronged are not stupid. They are made in the image of God and are not to be deceived – and this includes our apologies.
Mastering the Art
For many of us, getting accustomed to apologizing is something that is going to take a lifetime to develop and implement. It is not easy, nor natural, for us to lay down our pride and admit we are wrong. The old Adam in us does not like to take responsibility and rages against it with great power. Yet with prayer and humility, the spirit is able to work within us to produce humility so that we are able to take responsibility to forgive and be forgiven.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32